Not a day goes by when I don’t think a thought. I have something on my mind — I think it’s mold. I promise to avoid any rough cleaning agents, but I hope my thoughts are sufficiently abrasive to scrape it away.

Speaking of mold, it’s green I’m told, as green as the grass on my front lawn. It’s a pretty lawn, but in need of rain, to wash away the stain. The sunlight shines beautifully upon the grass, as it desperately prays for the caress of an early morning dew.

Mountain dew sits upon a mountain, but transforms to steam as the mountain realizes it’s not a mountain, but a live volcano. It erupts, and lava sears away the glorious taste and texture of a cold mountain dew. Only sugar remains, and ponders its lonely existence atop that hot and steamy volcano.

Volcanoes are great if you’re looking for land and currently drowning in an ocean. If you find yourself drowning in an ocean, it’s likely you’ll not be needing much financial advice. “Beware of sharks and lack of oxygen” is the only warning you’d receive from my lips. I’d rather not be present to give you advice, however, and I’d feel most fortunate to have a boat or other floatation device if I were on a severely large body of water.

Oceans have the distinguished reputation of being very wet and salty. This environment rarely creates a good opportunity to plant or grow a tree. If you’re thinking of not planting trees in the ocean, however, please reconsider: a person drowning in an ocean would be able to save himself by climbing to the top, and eating leaves until the Titanic arrives, which may be never.

During the interim, there’s always the hope that a shark will devour him, which allows an endangered species to expand and thrive. Once all species of sharks are no longer endangered, people who have always dreamed of owning a sea food restaurant will finally see their vision realized — especially if their vision showed an endangered species of shark on the menu, and the would-be owners were reluctantly shy about committing an illegal act.

–
Andy Alt
Mental Dimensions
http://mentaldimensions.blogspot.com/
A weblog for people who enjoy mental health and observational humor, political farce, comedy editorials, satire and spoof, along with occasional doses of non humor

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Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food? - Former Student

Poor Rix ate lunch at a school last week, and really liked it. Who knew they could make a dessert out of corn chips?

Fact is, Poor Rix enjoyed everything about school, except for the “study” part. Lunch period was best the part of all.

One day I saw a dish labeled “Tuna Surprise.” “Why do you call it that?” I asked.

“Because,” said the cook, “we started out with a catfish. So if it tastes like a tuna, we’ll be surprised.”

Yeah, lunch was a scream back then. One time my friend Carl found two well-seasoned cockroaches in his green beans, and asked who’d be willing to eat them.

“I will,” said Dave, who was once elected class president by promising “no homework anymore.” But he didn’t clear this with the teachers, so we immediately impeached him.

Anyway, Dave downed both roaches, and bragged they tasted better than the beans. But he didn’t come to class the next day.

Another time we took a field trip to a neighboring school. At lunch, Carl chose the “mystery meat.”

“Outstanding,” he raved. “What is it?”

“Here’s a clue,” said our host. “Why do you think our team’s called the Buzzards?”

Poor Rix offers bad advice to good questions. E-mail him at rixquinn@charter.net

Rix’s book “Words That Stick” is available at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/

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I read an article a while back that stated sixty percent of adults bitten by snakes were men who had been drinking. Thus, the philosophical question: What is it with men and snakes?

Like when Jim Bob happens to run over a snake and then hauls it around in the back of his truck for a week to show all his buddies the snake he “killed”.

Or that need to cut off the rattlers for show and tell at work.

I’ll bet the person who first crafted snake skin boots and belts was a man. I can hear him now.

“Yep, killed this ‘un with my bare hands. That sucker came outta nowhere and wrapped round my led and threw me to the ground. But I grabbed him round the neck, and let me tell you, he’s so big my hands just would reach.

“Anyway, that sucker’s spittin’ venom and I’s spittin’ bacca juice. Why we wrestled round on the ground for might near half a hour for he finally said ‘uncle’. Then I got my twelve gauge and blew that sucker’s head off.”

When I see a snake I run the other way. I do prefer someone kill it, and mere death isn’t enough. The creature must be severed at least once with the pieces thrown is opposite directions to prevent rejuvenation.

Whenever my son used to ask if he could have a ring-neck for a pet, I simply and emphatically stated, “No!”

Why the difference between men’s and women’s attitudes toward snakes? I pondered this phenomenon for at least half an hour before reaching an answer.

It all goes back to that first encounter in the Garden of Eden. For women it’s simplesorrowful child birth. Ever since Eve experienced this curse, women have instinctively hated snakes and wanted to get as far away from them as possible.

For men the answer could be one of two reasons. Some men like snakes and want to get close to them out of respect. After all what other animal has successfully tempted a woman into doing something against her better judgment. It’s a skill many men would love to acquire.

On the other hand, some men resent snakes because of its success and their failure to sway women. Therefore, these men must prove they are better than the serpent by conquering it physically.

Oh well, I never claimed to be Plato.

Check out more of Angela’s articles at her virtual coffee house http://clubrevolutiononline.com.

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