How To Choose A Mistress
The Benjamin Franklin fan club will now come to order.
We gather on what would be his 279th birthday Jan. 17 - not to honor his achievements as a stuffy patriot, but to relish his irreverent advice as a columnist.
It was inevitable that Franklin would develop into the outstanding free-thinker of his generation. He began at age 12 in Boston as apprentice to his irascible brother James who was a printer and publisher of the “New England Courant.”
The Franklin brothers very soon got into trouble challenging authority. James was frequently jailed for “libel” and-or “contempt” of public officials. On such occasions, Ben filled the columns of the “Courant” with commentaries under the name “Silence Dogood, A Widow.”
In one article Mrs. Dogood opined: “It has been for some time a question with me whether a commonwealth suffers more by hypocritical pretenders to religion or by the openly profane. But some late thoughts of this nature have inclined me to think that the hypocrite is the more dangerous person of the two, especially if he sustains a post in government.”
Ben scandalized the colony by relating an evening walk of Mrs. Dogood who wrote:
“I soon came up with a company of females who by throwing their heads to the right and left at everyone who passed by, I concluded came out with no other designs than to revive the spirit of love in disappointed bachelors and expose themselves for sale to the first bidder.
“On the whole I conclude that our night-walkers are a set of people who contribute much to the health and satisfaction of those who have been fatigued with business and occasionally observe their pretty gestures and impertinencies.”
After five years, Ben fled his indenture - a criminal offense - first to New York, on to Philadelphia then to London. High living in England - including goodly sums to women of easy virtue - convinced him that he would have to return to Philadelphia where temptations were fewer.
Ben finally settled down with a former sweetheart, Deborah, who had married and been deserted by another man. Two difficulties prevented Ben and Deborah from formalizing their union. Her husband might return any time, and Ben had acquired an infant son out of wedlock from a woman never identified.
Family life mellowed Ben. He started a newspaper, “The Gazette,” published his “Poor Richard’s Almanac” and managed a large volume of printing for the colonies. He was appointed postmaster general and served on many government commissions.
Ben retired from business in middle age to devote his time to writing, science and public affairs. He discovered electricity, invented bifocal spectacles, introduced postage stamps, designed an efficient stove and built a “harmonica” of tuned glass bowls.
At age 70 he took an active part in the American Revolution. He served many years as ambassador to France and at 80 signed the U.S. Constitution.
During his busy later years Ben wrote ribald letters - a substitute for the Silence Dogood and Poor Richard columns.
In one he recounted the speech of a Polly Baker wherein this lady pleaded so ably for mercy upon her fifth trial for bastardy that the presiding judge reportedly married her and had 15 children by her.
A letter to the Brussels Academy suggested a project of converting bowel gas to perfume - so as not to offend people at social gatherings.
My favorite is a letter to his nephew containing advice for choosing a mistress. It was a subject on which Ben was believed to be expert.
“In all your amours,” wrote Ben, “you should prefer old women to young ones, for the following reasons:
“1. Because they have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
“2. Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. There is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.
“3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.
“4. Because through more experience they are more prudent and discreet, in conducting an intrigue, to prevent suspicion. Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.
“5. Because in every animal that walks upright the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face first grows lank and wrinkled. Then the neck. Then the breast and arms. The lower parts continue to the last as plump as ever. By covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible to tell an old woman from a young one. As in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior - every knack being, by practice, capable of improvement.
“6. Because the sin is less. The debauching of a virgin nay be her ruin and make her unhappy for life.
“7. Because the compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you bitter reflection, none of which can attend the making an old woman happy.
“8. And lastly, they are so grateful!”
January 19, 1985
.
Click here to see this article on Lindsey Williams’s website
.
Lindsey Williams is a Sun columnist who can be contacted at:
LinWms@earthlink.net or LinWms@lindseywilliams.org
Website: http://www.lindseywilliams.org with over a thousand of Lin’s Editorial & At Large articles written over 40 years.
Also featured in its entirety is Lin’s groundbreaking book “Boldly Onward,” that critically analyzes and develops theories about the original Spanish explorers of America.
(fully indexed/searchable)